Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was a guest on a Christian radio talk show a few days ago. She reportedly
said the biblical end times are here.
Here is how the political satire website, “pardon the
pundit” told the story. It was written by Matt Rock. I cannot vouch for the
accuracy of the story. I did not hear the radio program or see the CNN
follow-up.
“Never far from controversy, outgoing Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) told
a Christian radio show over the weekend that the apocalypse is nigh, and that
we're on the cusp of experiencing the end times. Her evidence? A claim, devoid
of facts, that President Barack Obama “waived a ban on arming terrorists,” and
that he's “paying to give arms to terrorists, including Al-Qaeda.”
On Wednesday, Bachmann took a chance to clarify her apocalypse prophecy, after a CNN anchor asked her if she really meant Armageddon was upon us, pointing out that her initial claim was a bit hazy, packed with biblical talk about leaves and fig trees.
“What I'm saying is, smoke 'em if you got 'em... smoke 'em if the liberals haven't already taken your cigarettes away,” Bachmann explained. “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be returning for the faithful soon. The rapture is upon us. The faithful will get beamed up to Heaven, and the liberals and gays... I mean, the `unfaithful'... they'll need to prove themselves worthy as the planet is overwhelmed by demon dogs and hell snakes and twerking.”
The anchor asked Bachmann how she knows the “end times” are upon us. “That's simple. Barack Obama is in the White House. He's the antichrist. He fits the bill. He's charismatic, the liberals worship him, and Obamacare is the mark of the beast.”
“You know, I read on an internet blog -- that makes it true, for sure -- that Obama wants to implant Americans with microchips that kill us off if we don't sign up for Obamacare or if we get too old, so the death panels have an easier time taking us out,” Bachmann continued. “Obama shut down the government by refusing to defund Obamacare, which makes it entirely his fault. And why shut down the government? So the army can't stop Satan from ripping the Earth open and flooding the United States with hellfire, or worse, gay hellfire, which is like regular hellfire, only it makes you really uncomfortable when you have to see it kissing other hellfire.”
Bachmann was then asked if she could predict the date when Armageddon would occur. “I'm not sure about the exact date. All I know is, I'm leaving office at the end of my term so I can build my apocalypse bunker. It has a retractable roof, though, so Jesus can rapture me into Heaven. I'm totally going to Heaven when it happens, of course. I mean, come on, I'm Michele Bachmann!””
On Wednesday, Bachmann took a chance to clarify her apocalypse prophecy, after a CNN anchor asked her if she really meant Armageddon was upon us, pointing out that her initial claim was a bit hazy, packed with biblical talk about leaves and fig trees.
“What I'm saying is, smoke 'em if you got 'em... smoke 'em if the liberals haven't already taken your cigarettes away,” Bachmann explained. “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be returning for the faithful soon. The rapture is upon us. The faithful will get beamed up to Heaven, and the liberals and gays... I mean, the `unfaithful'... they'll need to prove themselves worthy as the planet is overwhelmed by demon dogs and hell snakes and twerking.”
The anchor asked Bachmann how she knows the “end times” are upon us. “That's simple. Barack Obama is in the White House. He's the antichrist. He fits the bill. He's charismatic, the liberals worship him, and Obamacare is the mark of the beast.”
“You know, I read on an internet blog -- that makes it true, for sure -- that Obama wants to implant Americans with microchips that kill us off if we don't sign up for Obamacare or if we get too old, so the death panels have an easier time taking us out,” Bachmann continued. “Obama shut down the government by refusing to defund Obamacare, which makes it entirely his fault. And why shut down the government? So the army can't stop Satan from ripping the Earth open and flooding the United States with hellfire, or worse, gay hellfire, which is like regular hellfire, only it makes you really uncomfortable when you have to see it kissing other hellfire.”
Bachmann was then asked if she could predict the date when Armageddon would occur. “I'm not sure about the exact date. All I know is, I'm leaving office at the end of my term so I can build my apocalypse bunker. It has a retractable roof, though, so Jesus can rapture me into Heaven. I'm totally going to Heaven when it happens, of course. I mean, come on, I'm Michele Bachmann!””
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