Tough Times and Choices

I heard the other day of a sadness from an adult child of very good friends, friends who go back nearly 40-years. Our kids were raised together in a bedroom community near a big city. With that criterion I do have an emotional attachment to a positive outcome since their kids are my kids too.

The issue, as I am told, is about “falling out of love” with a spouse of twelve plus years and young children are involved.

Divorce is a possibility!

I’m not a counselor of any kind, especially marriage, but I am one who chooses to see the inner picture of life without the emotional constrictions of ego, expectation, worry or the fear of change.

The daily creative opportunities that choice brings us are both profound and painful and we often choose the easy way out by listening only to ourselves, rather than integrating the “other” into the oneness of who and what we are.

Commitment is an important component into sustaining a loving relationship; next comes COMMUNICATION. Without the communication of shared conversation and mutual respect on the mundane and profound issues of family life, love cannot exist beyond the physical. Initially the physical is important, but it diminishes unless spontaneity, romance and innovation keeps it fresh.

No marriage, no relationship will sustain itself unless each partner is willing to be in the shoes of the other and to ask three questions each day with humility and without argument until it is time for the other to ask the same questions:

Question one: “Should the relationship continue?”

Depending on the answer to that profound question…

“What is it that you think I do or don’t do that is helpful and harmful to this shared relationship?”

“What is it that we can do together to repair feelings and actions so that our initial commitment is held sacred?”

Aside from failure to communicate, I think that one of the biggest detriments in sustaining today’s family relationships is the “busy-ness” of 21^st century life. Making a living needs attention, oftentimes too much,but necessary. Children have needs, as we adults perceive them, and they can be a drain on family time unless their needs and joys are shared by both parents. We often encourage our children to participate in too many activities that separate us rather than bring us together as a family. Spouses and children live together, but often don’t interact and laugh together because we are too busy. Interests are separate, but not shared. Shared activity is the glue of family continuity.

I don’t know where these good young people will end up. I hope it is together. If each decides that their family unit is worthy of continuing then they each must do so with respect, with tolerance, and with appreciation of the other’s needs and interests.

If any marriage is to succeed it needs attention and communication. It does not demand, nor demean. It neither constricts nor controls. It honors each in the separateness of our oneness.

It is never perfect!